10 November 2008

Tired of Kissing Jessica Stein?

Me too. I just watched that movie again, and it reminded me of what I never want to do again. It seems that straight, bi-curious, and sometimes conflicted and/or closeted women are attracted to me. Why? I don't know. Perhaps because I'm out and confident. A lot of women are drawn to strong women because it's part of themselves they want to affirm. Perhaps it's because I don't hang around with lesbians exclusively. Maybe that's a sign that I should. But I love diversity. I love people. I don't want someone's sexual orientation or even gender to decide whether or not I can be friends with them.

Even though I live near Seattle, I don't take part in the LGBT community really. I could say that it's because I don't have time, but the truth is that I'm mostly a homebody, which does make it a little harder to meet new women, women who love women, that is. I mean, I do meet them. I even found this one fast food restaurant near where I work, which has seriously skewed the Kinsey scale for lesbian representation in the general populace. There must be a fourth to a third of the staff there who are lesbian. I'm not sure how that happened except that maybe it was the domino effect. Let one lesbian in and next thing you know, that one will get a lesbian friend a job there too, and on it goes. Now all I have to do is find a few more places like that to haunt and I'll know half the lesbians in King County.

But seriously, other than on the internet, how do you find someone when you don't get out there where other lesbians hang out? I don't really drink, and I don't smoke. Vegetarians don't blend well at barbecues. Maybe I should get involved with another conservative Christian church. God knows I saw a lot of action there. Of course, that brings me back around to my original point. I'm tired of kissing Jessica Stein. I don't want to have to help yet another woman come out to herself, or worse yet, come out and watch her dive back in and deny that she was ever out there in the first place. That's a priceless experience. Moments like that make you wonder if you were imagining things or just acting out some totally self-destructive behavior.

I have had some relationships that turned out better. One was even with a woman who had originally thought that she was straight. She had even been married and had children. Only it turned out that she definitely is lesbian. Still is, after all these years. But too many times, women who have never been with women can't handle it once it happens. There are too many emotions and issues to deal with all at once. I feel empathy for them because it's not easy coming out at any age, and the older you get, the harder it is, and the older you are, the greater the chances that you have more cultural conditioning to unload.

But enough is enough. It's time to meet an available woman who loves women and isn't afraid to embrace that and admit it. I've spent years trying to get over the one who made a dive back into the closet not once, not twice, but three times. She deserves an Olympic medal for executing a triple twist closet dive, but now it's time to move on to lavender pastures. Not mauve, not lilac, not periwinkle. It's time to find a card-carrying member of the Lavender Menace who will watch movies and go for walks on the beach with me. Someone whose closet is filled only with clothes. Someone who isn't another Jessica Stein, just looking for a best friend.

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